


너무 보고싶다. 사랑해.

by Zofcu



Series: How to deal with the grief of losing [3]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Heavy Angst, I hate it here, M/M, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28195764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zofcu/pseuds/Zofcu
Summary: It's been three years.We are still here, but at what cost.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key
Series: How to deal with the grief of losing [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570468
Kudos: 17





	너무 보고싶다. 사랑해.

**Author's Note:**

> It has been three years and I'm still not okay the slightest.  
> I drank three bottles of wine, broke down and wrote this.

Without the army breathing down his neck, Kibum felt the crushing weight of grief even more than before.

The year before had been rough, so to say, but without the officers yelling and screaming for him to get a grip, it was so much _realer_ than before. There was no snow to keep him company, even though the weather was cold like it was supposed to be.

_– Jonghyun had loved the snow_ , Kibum snorted bitterly between the sips of wine.  
Taemin was on a schedule, Minho had posted that one picture of them and disappeared off the radar. Jinki on the other hand.. he was probably doing something good to remember Jjong on this particular day – not getting wine drunk and yelling curses off his balcony to the dead of night.

Or was it even night yet? He couldn't remember, because it was always dark. Had been dark since then.  
  


Kibum looked at the silver band on his ring finger and felt his chest constrict painfully.

_– If we are single by thirty, let's get married!_ Jonghyun had said in multiple occasions throughout the years. At first Kibum had laughed it off as a joke, but as the years went by, he had realised that it wasn't a bad idea. He had actually hoped neither of them would find anyone by then.

And then Jonghyun had turned 27. And he had left.

He had left and Kibum was left alone without the love of his life. Maybe he should've told Jonghyun more often he loved him. No, that he was _in love_ with him. Maybe he wouldn't've left then.

  
Kibum took a sip from his glass. Somewhere behind him, in his apartment, 'End of a Day' started playing. Jonghyun's melancholic voice filled the silence between Kibum's inner monologue and the traffic.

Another sip. His manager hadn't pestered him to use the Lysn app today and for that he was grateful. He didn't want to see the messages Shawols had sent. The condolences and their own inner battles. Normally it was fine, preferable even, but today he had his own demons he needed to face.

_– Neither of us is thirty yet, but this is a promise, okay? Jonghyun had smiled shyly when he had presented the pair of silver bands to Kibum._

_– We cannot legally get married here, but maybe Europe? I heard Paris is beautiful in the autumn._

_Kibum had tried to not choke on his own tears when he had taken the other silver band in his hands. He had twisted and turned it and when his gaze had met Jonghyun's, he had let out a small sob before hugging the shorter man as tight as he could without breaking him._

_– Is that a yes?_

_– It *sob* is *sob* you *sob* fool!_

  
Somewhere in the apartment Kibum's phone let out a bling sound. Maybe it was Sodam asking if he needed company, even though he had already declined twice. Or maybe it was Jinki telling him to lay off the wine.

But that wasn't important right now, because it had finally started snowing.

_– You have a funny way of showing me I'm not alone,_ Kibum said through gritted teeth, still trying to keep the tears at bay.

The song changed again – 'Before Our Spring'.

And Kibum stopped. Stopped listening to the traffic, stopped sipping the wine.. Stopped trying not to cry, and just let himself feel. Feel all the pain of being left behind, being left alone.

Wine glass in his hand, Kibum slid to the ground and let the snow lay on him like a comforting hand. Like Him.

_– Please don't leave me alone again_ , he whispered to the sky.

And the Moon listened.


End file.
